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But parental approval and love are, in fact, major motivators in children giving up early pleasures for more mature behavior and for achieving success in valued activities. If unconditional love is interpreted to mean that children should be praised or rewarded no matter what they do, the result becomes a failure to set any standards. What does unconditional love really mean? Parents often seek to reassure children that they are loved even when parents get angry or disapprove of their behavior. Are such statements meaningful or do children experience disapproval as the loss of love? Even adults may experience the anger or disapproval of someone significant to them as a loss of love, which actually it is at that moment. The question really is whether being the recipient of that anger or disapproval leaves one feeling worthless. Can we help children feel secure enough about their worth to withstand moments of anger or disapproval from those on whom they depend? The answer to that has to be yes � because it is not possible to raise children without at times expressing anger, or disapproval of their behavior. Previously, I wrote that parental self-esteem is the most significant ingredient in helping children�s sense of self-worth. Too often the judgments we make of our children�s behavior reflect feelings we may have about ourselves. The disappointment we may feel in their achievements may express some disappointment in ourselves. Besides, the feedback we get from our children is not always the most reliable measure of our success as parents. Raising children means that they are not completely free to do as they please or to have everything they might want. That means they in turn will have times of anger toward us or tell us what terrible parents we are. It is then we then need to believe in our own self-worth and ability as parents so that we can withstand the temporary withdrawal of our children�s love.Another test of our own self-esteem is whether we are able to see our children as different from ourselves and value who they are despite those differences. Do we need to see our own reflection in them only when it is positive and reject anything that seems to speak to something we feel negatively about in ourselves? Can we recognize and value their strengths even when they are not those we share � or hoped for in them?Page 2 of 2 - It is our self-esteem as parents that enable us to know that neither we nor our children are perfect. We will make mistakes just as our children do. If we don�t judge ourselves harshly, we won�t judge our children harshly. Authenticity means having values, knowing what they are and holding ourselves to the same standard we hold our children. It is this that children recognize and it is from this that they draw their own feelings of self-worth. Elaine Heffner, LCSW, Ed.D., has written for Parents Magazine, Fox.com, Redbook, Disney online and PBS Parents, as well as other publications. She has appeared on PBS, ABC, Fox TV and other networks. Dr. Heffner is the author of �Goodenoughmothering: the Best of the Blog,� as well as �Mothering: the Emotional Experience of Motherhood after Freud and Feminism.� She is a psychotherapist and parent educator in private practice, as well as a senior lecturer of education in psychiatry at Weill Cornell Medical College. Dr. Heffner was a co-founder and served as director of the Nursery School Treatment Center at Payne Whitney Clinic, New York Hospital. 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