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Not the kind you hear about that was caught early enough where she knows for a fact that she will one day be in remission and that her children and grandchildren will tell each other stories of her and how well she fought the battle. Instead, this baseball sized lump in her lungs will most likely steal her life from her one painful breath at a time. Cancer runs in our family, you see, and our family has a history of not being able to keep up. My mother lived the final four years of her life defiantly aware of what her diagnosis of cancer meant just one month after my father had passed away all while enduring debilitating dose after debilitating dose of chemotherapy so that she could life long enough to see her daughter finish high school. Always the rock solid core of our family it was painful to watch her take hit after hit and gather herself up and stand defiantly in the path of the blow and ask for more so that she would have more; more seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months and (please) years. She not only made it to my sister's graduation but she held on until my sister's 18th birthday, secure in the knowledge she'd safely seen her into adulthood as she'd promised my father at his funeral. Cancer stole away her parents, Ethel and Leon, as well. One of the most vivid memories I have of my grandmother in fact is her lying on her bed curled up to her side and only having the strength to sleep and breath. Her breaths were so quick and shallow and her frail body just seemed to sway with the effort they took for her. If I close my eyes I can still see her there, wrapped in her blanket of white. Sitting here I can honestly say to you that the idea of cancer is one that simply terrifies me. Just the thought of having to endure what my mother endured or what my cousin is now enduring, rears up a gigantic wall of panic in my mind. Cancer is not something you walk away from in my family but is instead something you are carried away from. My hope is that my cousin proves our family history wrong. The way she is going about her illness and the way she is tackling it head on with purpose and intensity may even see her through the other side of it. I'll freely admit that I am no doctor, instead only a man with fears. A few years ago I found myself in a doctor's office laying flat on my back as fingers prodded and probed an area that had slightly bulged out like a small lump. As one doctor felt around he kept mumbling words with his heavy accent, I suppose for the other person in the room (a nurse practitioner) to keep notes and track of. Page 2 of 3 - One word flared into my consciousness like no other as she spoke, though, and that was "malignancy." What he feared was the cause of this small bump was perhaps a tumor of some sort and as it had shown itself so suddenly and with such sensitivity as to be fairly painful to the touch, was that it could possibly be cancer that had lain dormant for some while and had decided to rear its ugly head. The nurse practitioner told me again and agian when I anxiously asked why the doctor had said that, that it was more than likely something else quite benign and that he was only listing off the various probabilities. I would learn more when I'd gone through the CAT-Scan they were scheduling for me. Fortunately, after a panic-stricken drive home and a nervous day going through IV after IV of fluid so that I could be scanned, it turned out to be something else. A hernia. I have a hernia. Apparently the 1,455,335 bug bites I had all over my body (mosquitos come from miles around just to feast upon me as I am apparently a delicacy) had caused my body to kick up it's anti-infection and anti-inflamation protocols into high gear...which apparently irritated the heck out of a gland that was resting right above where I had a very very small hernia. It's a hernia I still live with as I was told that it was better to leave it alone until it let me know it was time (by hurting like the dickens, of course) as repairing it would just cause it to be even weaker and probably need to be repaired over and over during my lifetime. While I will eventually have to have surgery for the hernia I cannot tell you how weird it was to see how relieved I was that this was something other than cancer. People die from hernias, of course... but my fear-response was lower than the big "C" so much that I know I can be aware of my body and pay attention to changes that would let me know it was "time" to act. Cancer, though? If it had been cancer I most likely would have given myself a heart attack just from the fear and anxiety. I am not made of the same stuff as my mother, grandparents and now cousin. I do not think I could ever be as brave as them and have the determination to fight the disease with the belief that it can be beaten. It can, of course. People do go into remission my mother-in-law is living proof of that. It's a mind-set, though, that I do not have. Rather, it's one I hope never to have to find out whether I have it or not. Page 3 of 3 - The odds are not in my favor, though. So this column is a anxious letter out into the ether, I suppose. If prayers work I would ask for prayers for my cousin Lisa as she gives all she's got to make sure she's here for years to come for her husband and children. She is a good woman and has always been a wonderful friend and our world would be much bleaker without her. I also ask for prayers (and offer them) to anyone else out there who is also living with cancer and doing their damnedest to continue doing so. I salute you ALL for the fight you are fighting. Each of you are living proof that it does not have to be a death sentence... As Lisa is showing me day by day, cancer is just another page in the book of our lives. If you aren't brave enough to keep reading then you might miss out on the happy ending the author wrote for you long ago. 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